Received your inputs. This was really helpful. Appreciate it.
My team will take a first stab at putting the materials together, and then we can touch base in the p.m. to make sure we are on the same page.
Just to give you a heads up, we could not get a lot of color on the APAC numbers, hence we have used ballpark figures. My sense is that we can get a lot more meat once Paddy gives us the entire download and then we can get cracking.
Let me give you a shout at 18:00 Eastern and then we'll take it from there.
Cheers,
G. Vishwanathan Iyer
Chennai
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY...
WHO ARE WE KIDDING?
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Three NISTs and two THs (pronounced THUHs)
I often get requests from eager parents to career-guide their young children. Contrary to what some ill-wishing ‘friends’ would assume, I get these requests simply because of my infinite wisdom. It has nothing to do with my advancing (sic) age. I believe that parents are the second most responsible factor in influencing children’s careers. ‘Influencing’ in the case of careers means spoiling. The first most responsible factor is careers themselves. They’re all rotten. Well, except the two THs (pronounced ‘THuh’s), of course. So I decided to compile my thoughts to let even future generations get the benefit of my unmatched intelligence.
There are 4 kinds of occupations, namely the 3 ‘nist’s and the two ‘Th’s (pronounced ‘THuh’s). The classification is based on fraud.. rather their relationship with fraud:
1) The Pollutionists – The worst kind of career. These people generate - hold your breath - immeasurable quantities of toxic gases every reported quarter, which simple people call ‘fart’, causing global warming, air pollution, business jargon and other evils in the process. What sets these people apart from the other nists is that they defraud people, but they themselves think they are doing good work. This, according to me, is the most pitiable state of human existence. Worse even than poets.
Occupations under this category: CEOs, economists, management consultants, astrologers, exit poll surveyors.
2) The Illusionists – What differentiates these people from the pollutionists is that these people know that they are defrauding people. This knowledge, combined with a sense of humour can result in great works of art (in the form of powerpoint presentations, business letters, stolen money, etc.). However, without a sense of humour, this can result in depression, constipation and even getting caught.
Occupations under this category: Investment bankers, lawyers, accountants, Ramalinga Raju.
3) The Delusionists – This category is difficult to understand. And precisely because of that reason, it is widely respected by a large number of morons who call themselves art critics. The Delusionists unintentionally defraud people and themselves. What differentiates them from the pollutionists is that the pollutionists defraud others only. Further, the output of delusionists themselves is not harmful per se. The output of critics which is based on their output, however, is. The critics are pollutionists.
Occupations under this category: Modern artists, drug addicts, Mahesh Bhatt, ‘experts’.
4) That leaves us with the two THs (pronounced ‘THuh’s), viz. theatre professionals and theoretical physicists. These are real occupations, all others are methods designed by poets to kill people.
There are further complications, like the incidence of quacks. Quacks are people from one occupation masquerading (knowingly or unknowingly) as those from another. Eg., investment bankers who believe they are making a difference are actually Pollutionists in disguise. For obvious reasons, THs (pronounced ‘THuh’s) have the largest number of quacks amongst them (eg. Experimental theatre playwrights, who are actually delusionists).
My general advice is to try to move from the earlier mentioned occupations to the later mentioned ones.
Unless of course you are lazy, in which case you should have lunch and take a nap.
There are 4 kinds of occupations, namely the 3 ‘nist’s and the two ‘Th’s (pronounced ‘THuh’s). The classification is based on fraud.. rather their relationship with fraud:
1) The Pollutionists – The worst kind of career. These people generate - hold your breath - immeasurable quantities of toxic gases every reported quarter, which simple people call ‘fart’, causing global warming, air pollution, business jargon and other evils in the process. What sets these people apart from the other nists is that they defraud people, but they themselves think they are doing good work. This, according to me, is the most pitiable state of human existence. Worse even than poets.
Occupations under this category: CEOs, economists, management consultants, astrologers, exit poll surveyors.
2) The Illusionists – What differentiates these people from the pollutionists is that these people know that they are defrauding people. This knowledge, combined with a sense of humour can result in great works of art (in the form of powerpoint presentations, business letters, stolen money, etc.). However, without a sense of humour, this can result in depression, constipation and even getting caught.
Occupations under this category: Investment bankers, lawyers, accountants, Ramalinga Raju.
3) The Delusionists – This category is difficult to understand. And precisely because of that reason, it is widely respected by a large number of morons who call themselves art critics. The Delusionists unintentionally defraud people and themselves. What differentiates them from the pollutionists is that the pollutionists defraud others only. Further, the output of delusionists themselves is not harmful per se. The output of critics which is based on their output, however, is. The critics are pollutionists.
Occupations under this category: Modern artists, drug addicts, Mahesh Bhatt, ‘experts’.
4) That leaves us with the two THs (pronounced ‘THuh’s), viz. theatre professionals and theoretical physicists. These are real occupations, all others are methods designed by poets to kill people.
There are further complications, like the incidence of quacks. Quacks are people from one occupation masquerading (knowingly or unknowingly) as those from another. Eg., investment bankers who believe they are making a difference are actually Pollutionists in disguise. For obvious reasons, THs (pronounced ‘THuh’s) have the largest number of quacks amongst them (eg. Experimental theatre playwrights, who are actually delusionists).
My general advice is to try to move from the earlier mentioned occupations to the later mentioned ones.
Unless of course you are lazy, in which case you should have lunch and take a nap.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Help yourself help others
I have always been a strong advocate of self-help books. Self help books are very useful and they result in general well-being. Well-being of the author, of course. Self help books sell large number of copies every year and are a great boost for the economy. The author's household economy, as any smart reader would have figured out by now. (It's ok, noone knows if you figured it out or not)
So much have I been overwhelmed by the utility and appeal of this genre of books, that I feel that its benefits should not be restricted to a small number of wily cunning idiots (authors, if there's any doubt left) who think reading books can help someone change his/her life. They should be extended to all wily cunning idiots (the general populace) who think reading books can help someone change his/her life. Having set this noble goal for myself, I have proceeded to write a self-help book. This one is different, though. It will really change your life. I have made reasonable progress on this front, and am glad to present to you:
23 EASY STEPS TO WRITING A BESTSELLING SELF-HELP BOOK
I present here a summary of the steps I have written that make the challenging task of writing a book that actually helps people ridiculously simple. (It should however be noted that I have put in many hours of research and great efforts - which included interviewing Joe who's now satisified with his fish-packing job and Mary who no longer craves to clean toilets while cooking - into writing this book and it was by no means a simple thing to do. Please buy this book. Crossword fills approximately 78% of its shelf space with this and similar books - the rest are cookery books)
Step 1: Choose a random number as number of steps
Absolutely essential. Imagine the title of ths book to be '15 easy steps..' . It is obvious from the beginning that the author just made that up and somehow filled the pages to create a round number of steps. Not cool. Choose 17, 23, 14 etc. THAT sounds thought out and intellectual.
Step 2: Choose your suckers
It starts getting tough from here on. There are millions of suckers out there. You just need to identify different sucker groups and pick one which you think you can easily foo- err.. easily help. Unsuccessful professionals, B-school aspirants, just-dumped-ex-boyfriends, the spiritual types, poets etc. The group should be appropriately miserable, and you should have some useful advice to offer to them. No, the last thing is not necessary.
Step 3: Pad it up with Aesop's fables
There's a myth amongst authors that anecdotes and vivid narrations have high impact on readers. Most readers believe this myth, so it's essential to make up examples of people named Joe and Mary who followed your techniques to become succesful. I understand this is difficult to do, hence I suggest you take a few of Aesop's fables, replace stork with Joe and wolf with Mary and lo! - you have your anecdotes. eg: Joe was an unhappy fish-catcher in the river. Then he met Mary, they had a bet and so on.. in the end, either Joe or Mary becomes happy. Perfect end to your anecdote.
Step 23: Get a Phd
A 'Dr.' before your name will increase sales by 33.4%. Medical doctors do not need to get a Phd.
An easy way to get a Phd. is to become a poltician and get honorary doctorates from universities in Tamil Nadu. However, to do that you will have to read my new book 'How to become a politician in 34 days'.
Smart readers may have noticed that I have omitted steps 3 to 22. This I have done for a variety of reasons, ranging from 'I want you to buy the book' 'I'm afraid you won't buy it if you read that shit' and 'Haven't really made them up yet'. But it's a good read. And it'll change your life. Available at your nearest crossword. Happy reading.
So much have I been overwhelmed by the utility and appeal of this genre of books, that I feel that its benefits should not be restricted to a small number of wily cunning idiots (authors, if there's any doubt left) who think reading books can help someone change his/her life. They should be extended to all wily cunning idiots (the general populace) who think reading books can help someone change his/her life. Having set this noble goal for myself, I have proceeded to write a self-help book. This one is different, though. It will really change your life. I have made reasonable progress on this front, and am glad to present to you:
23 EASY STEPS TO WRITING A BESTSELLING SELF-HELP BOOK
I present here a summary of the steps I have written that make the challenging task of writing a book that actually helps people ridiculously simple. (It should however be noted that I have put in many hours of research and great efforts - which included interviewing Joe who's now satisified with his fish-packing job and Mary who no longer craves to clean toilets while cooking - into writing this book and it was by no means a simple thing to do. Please buy this book. Crossword fills approximately 78% of its shelf space with this and similar books - the rest are cookery books)
Step 1: Choose a random number as number of steps
Absolutely essential. Imagine the title of ths book to be '15 easy steps..' . It is obvious from the beginning that the author just made that up and somehow filled the pages to create a round number of steps. Not cool. Choose 17, 23, 14 etc. THAT sounds thought out and intellectual.
Step 2: Choose your suckers
It starts getting tough from here on. There are millions of suckers out there. You just need to identify different sucker groups and pick one which you think you can easily foo- err.. easily help. Unsuccessful professionals, B-school aspirants, just-dumped-ex-boyfriends, the spiritual types, poets etc. The group should be appropriately miserable, and you should have some useful advice to offer to them. No, the last thing is not necessary.
Step 3: Pad it up with Aesop's fables
There's a myth amongst authors that anecdotes and vivid narrations have high impact on readers. Most readers believe this myth, so it's essential to make up examples of people named Joe and Mary who followed your techniques to become succesful. I understand this is difficult to do, hence I suggest you take a few of Aesop's fables, replace stork with Joe and wolf with Mary and lo! - you have your anecdotes. eg: Joe was an unhappy fish-catcher in the river. Then he met Mary, they had a bet and so on.. in the end, either Joe or Mary becomes happy. Perfect end to your anecdote.
Step 23: Get a Phd
A 'Dr.' before your name will increase sales by 33.4%. Medical doctors do not need to get a Phd.
An easy way to get a Phd. is to become a poltician and get honorary doctorates from universities in Tamil Nadu. However, to do that you will have to read my new book 'How to become a politician in 34 days'.
Smart readers may have noticed that I have omitted steps 3 to 22. This I have done for a variety of reasons, ranging from 'I want you to buy the book' 'I'm afraid you won't buy it if you read that shit' and 'Haven't really made them up yet'. But it's a good read. And it'll change your life. Available at your nearest crossword. Happy reading.
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