Here are a few elevator etiquettes I have learnt from the residents of my building over the past two years. Follow these to get infinite peace of mind:
- While exiting the elevator, always linger at the door for several seconds, taking in the fresh air, saying hi to someone waiting outside etc. That way people behind you get to spend more time in the elevator
- If you are a perfume user, spray yourself liberally, or better, take a quick dip in a pool of cheap perfume and then take the elevator from the top floor to the ground floor. The next occupants will be treated to a concentrated dose of the fragrance. This lasts for several hours. They used this technique in Nazi Germany as well.
- If you are the lift man, be very possessive of your buttons and let nobody touch them. Also lean in a way that nobody can see which buttons are pressed. Respond to floor requests with an imperceptible nod-cum-shake of the head. People love mysteries.
- If you are kid, or if if you're n adult and nobody's watching you, press all the buttons as you exit the elevator. The glittering array of round buttons looks so pretty!
- If you are visiting someone on the upper floors, save your good-byes till after the elevator stops on your floor, and then spend several minutes blowing kisses, exchanging new cell numbers etc.. That way you can share the love with those in the elevator. And the ones waiting on the floors below.
- Always use the elevator to go down from the first floor to the ground floor. Always.
- Household disputes should always be resolved in an elevator. Also discussions on Chachaji's younger son-in-law's new car should be had there.
- When going up, always stand right in front if you are getting off on the lower floors, and pretend to not understand "excuse me"
- If you are the liftman, frequently lock the elevator and take a chai-beedi break. And lastly,
- If you are the elevator himself, whenever summoned, head to the last floor in the opposite direction, linger there for a while, and then come back in slow-local style to the correct floor. Builds character in young men.
