It is well known that globally, many
terrorist organizations, for causes legitimate or otherwise, have taken to
arms. However, unnoticed by us, a far more dangerous global organization has
resorted to innovative terrorism, by taking to armrests.
Armrest-grabbing while travelling on buses
and planes has become such an everyday occurrence, that society has accepted it
as just another disgusting habit on the lines of spitting, public nose-blowing,
or being Kapil Sibal. Only the keen observing eye can notice the patterns that
betray the fact that these armrest grabbers are running a coordinated mission
aimed at world-domination by slowing destroying our morale, our understanding
of social egalitarianism, and our ribs. It is high time governments unite to make
Armrest Grabbers a priority in their War against Terrorism. I would go so far
as to put them above Farah Khan of Dhap-chik-Dhapang fame and Shah Rukh Khan of
Shah Rukh Khan fame.
It is critical to first understand Armrest
Grabbers (AGs) before coming up with a scheme (sorry. My friend in the
Congress government tells me this word is actually pronounced ‘scam’) game-plan
to combat them. Take, for example, the Chinese-style AG. We all know that there
is an implicit Line of Actual Control (LAC) on the armrest. The Chinese AG
repeatedly makes incursion in your territory. When repelled by aggressive
elbow-butts, they invade new territory. Another variety of AGs is the Team Ambush AGs.
These AGs work in pairs, and surround the sitter from all sides (two in
ordinary modes of transport and eighty-seven in Mumbai locals).
One must, however, be careful not to
mistake inadvertent AGs for the professionals. These are unfortunate but honest
citizens with disarming sincerity, who owing to their mass and volume are
simply unable to prevent parts of their person from spilling onto the sitter’s
armrest, or in extreme cases, lap. Let us be reasonable and exclude these
people from our war. At most, we can compensate by eating their food; they are
sure to be carrying some. Or, if you can squeeze a stray hand out of the one
centimetre cube area you are likely to be packed into, press the button and ask
for a change of seat.
There are various ways of combating this
menace. The traditional method involves counter-attack. Try, for example,
landing your elbow on various points on the enemy arm as you recline – primary
target is to displace the enemy arm; collateral damage could include bruises
and concussions. Another effective strategy is undercutting – literally,
thrusting elbow under enemy arm creating imbalance and the opportunity to slide
own arm further in.
Modern practitioners, however, advocate
Gandhigiri. This strategy, however, can backfire badly. The rookie sitter is
likely to make the mistake of reaching a ‘compromise’ with a Chinese AG. The
Chinese AGs’ definition of compromising is you retreating from the territory
that they have invaded, as we have seen from recent events. I’d rather remain
Old School and go eye-for-an-eye, rib-for-a-rib, even if it results in an arms
race.
At the end of the day, everybody has to
fight their own personal war against this kind of terror; mere armchair
diplomacy will not do. What is your favourite personal strategy to reclaim your
armrest?
