Three NISTs and two THs (pronounced THUHs)

I often get requests from eager parents to career-guide their young children. Contrary to what some ill-wishing ‘friends’ would assume, I get these requests simply because of my infinite wisdom. It has nothing to do with my advancing (sic) age. I believe that parents are the second most responsible factor in influencing children’s careers. ‘Influencing’ in the case of careers means spoiling. The first most responsible factor is careers themselves. They’re all rotten. Well, except the two THs (pronounced ‘THuh’s), of course. So I decided to compile my thoughts to let even future generations get the benefit of my unmatched intelligence.

There are 4 kinds of occupations, namely the 3 ‘nist’s and the two ‘Th’s (pronounced ‘THuh’s). The classification is based on fraud.. rather their relationship with fraud:

1) The Pollutionists – The worst kind of career. These people generate - hold your breath - immeasurable quantities of toxic gases every reported quarter, which simple people call ‘fart’, causing global warming, air pollution, business jargon and other evils in the process. What sets these people apart from the other nists is that they defraud people, but they themselves think they are doing good work. This, according to me, is the most pitiable state of human existence. Worse even than poets.
Occupations under this category: CEOs, economists, management consultants, astrologers, exit poll surveyors.

2) The Illusionists – What differentiates these people from the pollutionists is that these people know that they are defrauding people. This knowledge, combined with a sense of humour can result in great works of art (in the form of powerpoint presentations, business letters, stolen money, etc.). However, without a sense of humour, this can result in depression, constipation and even getting caught.
Occupations under this category: Investment bankers, lawyers, accountants, Ramalinga Raju.

3) The Delusionists – This category is difficult to understand. And precisely because of that reason, it is widely respected by a large number of morons who call themselves art critics. The Delusionists unintentionally defraud people and themselves. What differentiates them from the pollutionists is that the pollutionists defraud others only. Further, the output of delusionists themselves is not harmful per se. The output of critics which is based on their output, however, is. The critics are pollutionists.
Occupations under this category: Modern artists, drug addicts, Mahesh Bhatt, ‘experts’.

4) That leaves us with the two THs (pronounced ‘THuh’s), viz. theatre professionals and theoretical physicists. These are real occupations, all others are methods designed by poets to kill people.

There are further complications, like the incidence of quacks. Quacks are people from one occupation masquerading (knowingly or unknowingly) as those from another. Eg., investment bankers who believe they are making a difference are actually Pollutionists in disguise. For obvious reasons, THs (pronounced ‘THuh’s) have the largest number of quacks amongst them (eg. Experimental theatre playwrights, who are actually delusionists).

My general advice is to try to move from the earlier mentioned occupations to the later mentioned ones.
Unless of course you are lazy, in which case you should have lunch and take a nap.