Quest for World Domination: Rediff Commenters

We live in dangerous times where disaster can strike us any time without warning. If you have recently been unfortunate enough to be innocently flipping through channels and to unexpectedly chance upon Arnab ‘Thousand-decibel’ Goswami in the middle of his daily goat sacrifice, you know what I mean. But I speak of far greater dangers. No, not Sidhu’s laughter either – I talk of the impending takeover of the world by Rediff Commenters. (I concede, however, that a video of Arnab looking straight at you with his halogen eyes along with a Sidhu laughter track in the background could be far more dangerous.)

I use ‘Rediff Commentor’ here as a generic derogatory term, of course (like in “He’s a Rahul Baba”), to mean all internet commenters who have strong online presence and hold a combined IQ level rivalling that of Einstein. Not Albert, silly, I mean Rudolf Einstein, Albert’s differently-abled pet goldfish. We are blind not to see it. We are too caught up in trying to protect ourselves from nuclear weapons, chemical weapons, Bangalore auto-drivers and biological weapons to see that this treacherous group of people is slowly, but steadily, as we’ll soon find out, shifting all communication ENTIERLY TO BAD SPELLED CAPITAL LETTR.

These people have already taken over the Comments section of all news website, displacing all thought-out, meaningful contributions such as ‘Click here Hot Malyali Aunty XXX Full photos videos adult only’. Next, they will occupy facebook, twitter, our spam folders, then our inboxes, then our C drives, then our password-protected ‘Work\confidential\stuff\more-stuff\desibaba$’ folders, then our refrigerators, then our minds and then everything. Going by their increasing ubiquity, I have no doubt that ultimately, this group intends to enter the White House and displace the supremely powerful world leader, master of the universe, effective manager of world affairs, Mukesh Ambani. And they will do it through sheer aggression that they display in their internet conversations. Aggression that makes Rakhi Sawant look tame. Here’s a typical exchange of thoughts on the internet, on a news item that discusses the intricacies of RBI’s new monetary policy:

Hot_dood1992: the AUHTR is biased Khangress dog who will lick dynasty boots like I will lick

                JENGIZKHAN: Arre Hot Doodh bhai, tumko kuch samaj nai aaraa to kayku bolte rbi saara policy mujhse poochhti tum ko kya karna ye lo sab ro paddha. U R dictator RSS conspiresi

                                Hot_dood1992: GET LOST U IDIOT CANT EVEN SPIKS ENGLIS!

VIJAY_NYC: All problems are able to solve all follow Babaji good mantra universe is peace only BABAJI mantra. Problem with India youth is they do not want to do anything for their country only give complains and not do anything. Here in the US, we are very patriotic Indians follow BABAJI MANTRA only 108 times everyday

SWEETGIRL16: Click here Hot Malyali Aunty XXX Full photos videos adult only

As you can see from the incredibly organized and meaningful exchange above, not only are these Rediff Commenters monopolizing all world intellectual dialogue, they are simply everywhere. We simply cannot afford to ignore them. Sure, we all have our own important issues to focus on. We Indians have the May 2014 elections, freedom of speech issues, infrastructure bottlenecks, while the Americans have Kim Kardashian. But we must still take time out from our incredibly busy schedules of updating facebook and twitter, and shift our energies to a task that is completely different from just mindless online updates: we must comment on internet news articles. The only way to beat them, is to join them. I do have one important question before we begin, though: who the hell is Kim Kardashian?

Anyway, I digress. My point is, we cannot afford to be late. Because, I have heard from pretty reliable sources that the Rediff Commenters’ next step is to take over your mind. Or at least your computer. Soon, I am told, you will not be able to control what you write. Your keyboard will not work. You might type something, but what will appear on the screen will be what Rediff Commenters WANT U TO WRIT TOO LATE WE CONTROL WORLD U BASTRED FOOL NXT STOP WHYT HOSE.